


He was softer with him

by givebackmylifecas



Series: He Was Softer With Him [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Confused Jack Kline, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s13e02 The Rising Son, Episode: s13e05 Advanced Thanatology, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Hurt Dean Winchester, I'm so sorry, M/M, Memories, POV Sam Winchester, Season 13 coda, Season/Series 13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-01-22 17:11:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12486688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: Coda to s13e02:Sam struggles to explain Dean's actions to Jack, so he decides that maybe showing him is easier.He lets Jack into his memories to show him that Dean wasn't as cold and hard as he seems.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This episode gave me so many feels and I know Dean is acting like a dick, but I feel like Sam could've explained better.

Dean Winchester is a hard man. He wasn’t born that way, no one is, but he was raised that way. The day John Winchester placed Sammy into his arms and Dean lost both his mom and his dad forever, he started losing his softness. He had to be tough.

Even after John died, Dean refused to lose his calluses. When he came back from hell, it was like the flames had hardened him beyond recognition.

Very few people got to see the softness Dean tried to keep hidden in the deepest parts of his heart. Sam is one of the only ones.

 

Trying to explain this to Jack is hard.

 

“Is that why he hates me?”, Jack asks and Sam says something about wires getting crossed in Dean’s brain, because it’s so much easier than saying that Dean hates because he’s in pain. That he’s in pain because the only other person who got to see the softness, the person who Dean opened up to and gave everything to was gone. How can he explain to Jack, who is so new to human emotions, that sometimes if you hide your feelings from the world and then only let one person see them, when that person is taken from you it shreds your insides and leaves you a bleeding mess in a hard shell.

 

Sam wishes he had that angelic ability of sharing memories. Wishes he could show Jack all the little moments he witnessed that showed Dean as he really was, without his protective shell.

He finishes his ramble about Dean wanting to protect people, but Jack still looks confused and suddenly Sam realises, that he might not have the ability to share memories but Jack does.

“Hey, I know you don’t know how to fully control your powers yet, but I’d like to try something. It might help you understand Dean better and your father too. Cas that is, not Lucifer.”, Sam says and Jack looks confused but nods.

Sam guides Jack’s hand to his forehead. “If I concentrate on certain thoughts or memories, do you think you could see them too?”, he asks and Jack grins sheepishly.

“I don’t think that should be too hard, you have a very open mind.”, he says and Sam blinks.

“Right um, okay then.” Sam clears his throat and when he sees Jack’s eyes glow a yellowy gold he closes his eyes and concentrates with all his might.

 

_“Dean, I’m scared.” A five year old Sam climbs into bed with his big brother who wraps his own blanket around him.  
_ _“It’s okay Sammy, I’m here. I’ve got you.”_

 

_“I don’t want you to leave, Sam.” Dean is 22 and watching Sam pack his stuff.  
_ _“Dean, Stanford is my chance to get out of the life. I’m sorry, but I need this. I have to go.”, Sam tells him and he sees Dean swallow heavily.  
_ _He nods. “I know Sammy, I know. Just… don’t forget me when you’re out there with all those rich kids, alright?” Sam sees tears sparkling in his brother’s eyes as he pulls him into a hug._

_Sam sits on a motel bed and cries. Jess is gone. This is all his fault. He throws the beer Dean handed him at the wall and then collapses in on himself and then Dean is there, holding him just like he used to when they were kids, wrapping a blanket around him as he cries and cries._

 

_The little girl has just watched her father being torn apart by a werewolf and is about to be next, but then she is being scooped up into Dean’s arms as he shoots the werewolf between the eyes, making sure the girl is turned away so she can’t see the blood and her father’s body._

 

The memories are moving of their own accord now, as if Jack is now in control and searching for something.

 

_Cas has just walked into the lake and dissolved into a black stain that spreads steadily. Sam watches in horror as he sees something die in Dean’s eyes. He sees how carefully his brother folds Castiel’s trenchcoat, reverently like war widow would fold a flag._

 

_Dean’s eyes are wide. Castiel has returned from purgatory and he looks like his usual self again. Sam can almost see the joy radiating off his brother in waves._

_They’re in the bunker. The TV is on and Castiel has just asked a question about the logic behind the Simpsons being yellow. Sam watches as Dean’s eyes turn soft and he hands Cas a cup of tea before sitting on the couch next to him, their knees bumping together._

 

_Cas is still recovering from the attack-dog spell and Dean tucks his blanket tighter around him, like he has only ever done for Sam._

 

_Sam shouldn’t be witnessing this conversation, he only got out of bed to get a glass of water, he couldn’t have known Dean and Cas would be in the kitchen.  
_ _“I get that you have to go Cas, I just wish you wouldn’t.”, Dean says and it sounds a lot like begging.  
_ _Cas sighs. “Finding Lucifer is my responsibility Dean.”  
_ _“At least let me go with you then.” They are standing face to face in front of one of the counters, barely a foot apart.  
_ _“You know, I wish you could ol hoath. But I will return to you. I always do.”  
_ _Dean pulls Castiel towards him by the lapels of his trenchcoat and Sam closes his eyes when Cas kisses Dean softly. He really shouldn’t be seeing this._

                                                                                                                              

_Mary has gone and Sam calls Castiel. When he knocks at the door, Sam lets him in and takes him to the kitchen where Dean sits surrounded by pictures and beer bottles. Sam makes to leave, but Cas pulls him in for a hug. He always was good at telling when the younger Winchester needed one.  
_ _He gives Sam a soft smile and then kneels on the floor, pulling Dean towards him and letting him release his heart-wrenching sobs into his chest._

 

The memories speed up again and Sam feels nauseous as Jack flicks through all the times Dean and Cas just stared at each other, the times when Sam would put Dean back together again after Cas left him, the times when Sam would catch Dean smiling like Cas was the centre of his universe.  
The weird sensation of having someone fast-forward through your head stops when Jack concentrates on one of the worst and most recent memories Sam has.

 

_Sam pulls Dean away from Cas and towards the tear. They need to get back to their own universe and Dean fights him each step of the way._

_The angel blade pierces Cas’ heart and Dean screams._

_Lucifer is gone and Sam needs to get inside, needs to find Kelly and her baby. He looks back and sees Dean bent over Cas’ body, desperately trying to rub the charred imprints of Cas’ wings from the sandy ground._

_Dean doesn’t know Sam is there, but when he walks back into the lake house, there Dean is, kneeling beside Cas who is laid out on the table, praying.  
_ _Sam brushes a few tears from his eyes as he watches Dean shakily get to his feet and gently stroke his fingers along Cas’ jaw.  
_ _Sam takes a few steps back and re-enters the room, clearing his throat loudly as he does.  
_ _Dean startles, but when he turns around all emotion is gone from his face and there is that hard, hard man staring back at Sam._

 

Sam is abruptly pulled from his memories. He blinks a few times and looks at Jack. Jack is crying, tears rolling down his cheeks.

Jack raises a hand to his face and feels the wetness, tilting his head to one side in confusion.

“Do you understand now?”, Sam asks softly and Jack nods.

“I understand.”, he says. “He loved my father and now… now he is in pain. He is hurting.”

Sam sighs. “Yeah, he’s hurting and he doesn’t know how else to show it.”

Jack looks sad as he speaks. “I am sorry, he does not deserve that.”

“No.”, Sam agrees. “He doesn’t.”

 

Inside the motel, Dean Winchester sits in a grimy shower and cries and prays. He cries for the love he’s lost and he prays for him to return to him.

This is what he will do until he hears Sam returning. Then he will shut off the shower and with it his emotions. He will step into his clothes and lock away the softness and he will greet Sam with a hard expression and a hatred of the world that was years in the making, yet took only one moment to confirm.


	2. He is softer with him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas is back and Jack gets to see the Dean he had only glimpsed in Sam's memories, but he still doesn't understand how Castiel became a part of the Winchester family. This time it's Dean who shows him.

One phone call. That’s all it took. Dean answered the phone and Sam saw something in his demeanor crack. He didn’t answer, no matter how many times Sam asked him who was on the phone and Sam was afraid to hope. Afraid to ask whether it was Castiel, because he didn’t want to see that look on Dean’s face – the one he got any time anyone mentioned the angel – the one that looked like Dean had died inside.

So they drove in silence, for hours and hours. When they finally stopped, Dean was out of the car before Sam could even unbuckle his seatbelt. When he finally managed to swing himself out and onto the street, he almost couldn’t breathe. Because Cas was standing there, looking like he’d never had a blade shoved through his chest. Like he’d not died and left Sam with this empty, broken version of his brother.

He doesn’t know what to say, so he says exactly that. He doesn’t have to say anymore, because Dean is wrapped around the angel, holding so tight that Sam is sure he would leave bruises on anyone but Cas.

Castiel slowly lifts his arms and returns the hug and just like that Sam sees all the tension seep out of Dean. He sags against Cas, who just holds him tight and when they finally part, Sam sees something he hasn’t seen in months. Dean is smiling. The anger and pain that had coated him from head to toe, was washed away and all that’s visible is joy and so much love that Sam almost considers stepping away, because this seems too intimate, too private. But then Cas is hugging him too and Sam holds him tight, because this is the one person who has the power to break his brother, but despite that Sam loves him like a brother too.

 

The drive back to the bunker takes hours, yet seems over before it has even begun. When Jack sets eyes on Castiel, Sam almost tears up because their reunion is just so very innocent.

Later, they have dinner together – as a family – and Sam watches as Dean takes Castiel by the hand and pulls him into their bedroom, a gentle smile on his face.

He starts when Jack sits down across from him in the library a few hours later. He was sure Jack had gone to bed.

“You were right, Sam.”, Jack says in his matter-of-fact voice.

Sam raises his eyebrows. “About what?”

Jack nods his head towards the hallway where the bedrooms are. “About my father. And Dean. He really is softer with him.”

“Yeah.”, Sam says, smiling at the boy. “Your father is the only person who makes Dean smile like that, that’s for sure.”

Jack smiles in answer, but seems to hesitate before speaking again. “I was wondering… What you did before, showing me your memories? Could you do it again, show me my father? How he came to be a part of your family, how Dean came to accept him. I would like to be able to be a part of it too.”

“Jack. You already are a part of our family, I’m sorry we haven’t made you feel that way. I hope that will change now that Cas is back, and Dean is a little more… himself.”, Sam says sincerely.

“I hope so too.”, Jack says. “But regardless, could you show me anyway?”

Sam nods. “Sure.” He leans forward and just before Jack touches his fingers to his forehead he hears someone else speak.

“Don’t you think I’d be the better source?”

Both Sam and Jack spin in their chairs and see a very rumpled looking Dean walking towards them, followed closely by Cas, whose hair is what Sam can only begrudgingly – and slightly disgusted – describe as sex hair, both of them wearing some of Dean’s old t-shirts and sweats.

Jack looks nervous, but Dean just falls into the chair beside him and gestures at his own forehead.

Jack hesitantly stretches two fingers out to him and Dean closes the distance with an eyeroll. Jack’s eyes flash yellow and Sam glances at Cas who is serenely sitting next to Dean.

“Do you want to see?”, Cas asks him and Sam nods.

Castiel grips Dean’s shoulder and touches his fingers to Sam’s forehead and suddenly:

 

_It smells like rotting flesh and sulphur. There’s so much pain, unimaginable for anyone but the one going through it. He begs for death, but he doesn’t pray. He knows there’s no one listening.  
_ _Suddenly there’s a blinding blue light coming towards him, illuminating the pit he’s spent the last decades in and suddenly there’s a searing heat surrounding him, something is burning his shoulder, but the pain is gone._

 

_Sparks fly and he enters the barn. Dean doesn’t know who or what he is, but every hair on his body is standing on end, electrified.  
_ _“I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.”  
_ _From somewhere deep inside his mind, there’s a spark of recognition, a flash of blue light._

 

_Castiel. He’s everywhere, even his dreams, but somehow Dean isn’t afraid. Something about the angel radiates warmth and offers him a safety he never thought he’d find. It’s peaceful on this dock, just the two of them. Dean wonders what it would be like to stay here forever._

_“Dean and I do share a more profound bond.”  
_ _On the outside Dean rolls his eyes at the wording, but somewhere inside he knows that however obnoxiously phrased it was, the angel is right. There’s something between the two of them, something unspoken. He lets his eyes linger on the sharp, angled face, the blue eyes and wonder just what he had done to deserve a guardian angel like this._

_Dean knew something was wrong, he knew it and he had told himself again and again that he was wrong, that Cas wouldn’t possibly betray him like this.  
_ _Maybe that was because he felt more for the angel than he believed possible. Maybe he believed that Cas felt the same way. Maybe he did. But none of that mattered because Castiel had betrayed him._

_In a ripple of black, Cas was gone, all that was left of him a dirty trenchcoat floating on the water. Cas is gone and Dean’s heart breaks in two._

_Castiel is alive and it takes everything Dean has to not pull him towards him and kiss him. But he doesn’t, because this man, this Emmanuel isn’t Cas._

_Meg has finally left them and Cas is staring at him with unfocussed eyes, his tanned skin looking even darker against the white of his hospital pyjamas.  
_ _Dean holds one of his hands tightly between his own.  
_ _“I deserve this, Dean.”, he says.  
_ _And Dean doesn’t know what to say. What can he say? Because Cas betrayed him and then broke him and now he’s back and all Dean wants is for him to look at him the way he used to without the insanity raging behind his eyes._

_Purgatory is worse than Hell. In Hell, he only had himself to blame, he deserved what was happening to him. But here? He’d dragged Cas here with him and the only thing keeping him going was the thought of seeing him again._

_Leaving Cas behind feels like he’s carved his heart out with a spoon. He sees him everywhere, but then suddenly, he’s back and so real and solid and it takes weeks for Dean to stop checking that Cas isn’t just a hallucination. So he decides to distance himself. That way if Cas leaves again, it’ll hurt less.  
_ _It doesn’t._

 

The memories are speeding up and Sam recognises it as Jack searching again, wonders if Dean knows too.

_Days and days of the two of them in the bunker. Dean looking after Cas, making him tea. Sitting beside Cas on the sofa, moving closer to him each time.  
_ _Long talks in the middle of the night when Dean can’t sleep and Sam has passed out in the library._

_Dean is shaken from his nightmare by familiar hands. Strong arms encircle him, clutching him to a broad chest, soft fingers stroking tears from his face. Cas. Always Cas.  
_ _The only one who can keep the dreams at bay, at least for a little while._

 

_They’re in the kitchen together and Cas is preparing to leave. Again.  
_ _“I get that you have to go Cas, I just wish you wouldn’t.”, Dean says.  
_ _Cas sighs. “Finding Lucifer is my responsibility Dean.” Dean doesn’t want to hear it. He’s so afraid of losing him again.  
_ _“At least let me go with you then.” They are standing face to face in front of one of the counters, the fingers of Dean’s right hand tangled with Cas’ left.  
_ _“You know I wish you could ol hoath. But I will return to you. I always do.” The Enochian endearment does little to soothe his anxiety. Dean pulls Castiel towards him by the lapels of his trenchcoat and kisses him softly. He’s so afraid and he knows Cas can tell. They don’t let go of each other for a very long time._

_Hundreds of kisses, will never be enough, but Dean is willing to try. He leans down to kiss Cas again and again, trying to rid himself of the image of Castiel covered in blood and black gunge._

_Cas steps through the portal and Dean is flooded with relief. But then Lucifer appears and –_

“Enough.”

Sam jerks out of the memories and sees Dean on his feet, moving away from Jack, however Cas is still attached to his shoulder. Dean looks angry, Sam knows it’s just because he didn’t want to relive that moment again and shoots Jack what he hopes is a reassuring smile.

Castiel pulls Dean into a hug and whispers something in his ear. The hunter sighs, then nods and turns back to Jack.

“Sorry, I just… I just don’t need to go through that again.”, Dean says, scratching the back of his neck. Jack smiles carefully.

“Did you see what you needed to see?”, Cas asks Jack, smiling at him kindly.

The boy nods. “Yes. You have been through much together. I see that and I also see that your bond is much more than family, much more than I can ever hope to be to you.”

Castiel frowns. “You are our family Jack, you always will be. Just because the bond Dean and I share is different, does not mean we can’t have one equally as strong. Sam and I certainly share a different, yet important bond.”

Dean snorts. “I should certainly hope the bond you and Sammy share is different.” Sam grins and Jack lets out a little giggle.

Castiel smiles too and when he and Dean make eye contact, Sam sees his brother melt just a little.

“Alright, kiddo, maybe you should stop surfing through people’s memories and go to bed.”, Dean says, pointing his thumb at the hallway.

Jack frowns. “Dean, I don’t sleep.”

Dean sighs. “Fine, I’ll give you my laptop and show you how to use Netflix.” He leaves with Jack and Sam smiles at their retreating forms.

Cas makes to follow them, but before he can, Sam speaks.

“Cas?”

“Yes, Sam?”

“I’m really glad you’re back.”

"As am I, Sam."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I was done with this fic, I guess not. Hope this doesn't ruin the story.

**Author's Note:**

> As always I hope you weren't absolutely horrified by the drivel that is my attempt at fanfic. Drop me a Kudos or Comment if you liked it (or even if you didn't) or come say hi on tumblr (@hefellfordean)


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